I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
