All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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