I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
