the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
