I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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