I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
