All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
