if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
