Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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