never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
