Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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