Your face is a jimmy john
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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