Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
We need to get me chipped asap
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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