last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
