Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
