He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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