I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
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