She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
It's just like the Real World with babies
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
