Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
