checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Randomize
