the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
