Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
