remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
