the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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