I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
