Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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