Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
