I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
