I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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