I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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