You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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