she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
