i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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