even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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