"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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