My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
