Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
