And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
she pinky promised me she was 18
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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