I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
