She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
