the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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