i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
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He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
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Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize