I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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