what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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