I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Houston, we have a blender
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
