We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
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she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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