my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
