Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
