You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
