too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
