I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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