I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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