Betty ford says i'm here all night
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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