Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
