Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
