I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
